I met Jesse. On Tinder. We chatted for a couple days. Pretty routine conversation. We flirted about ice cream and what not. He didn’t wait long to ask me to coffee. Our first message was on Sept. 11th and that coffee date was on Sept. 14th.

Now listen, I’d had a long string of dating without results, and I needed a change in my life. I’d made the decision to move. I was going to leave Casper and find somewhere that appreciated me. I was reading back over my journal to write my thoughts about this first date. I was reading entries around our first date. It was sad. I was miserable. The only way to get out of the misery, in my mind, was to move. I’d said, “I’m not doing good. I wake up in the morning with extreme anxiety each morning, and little to no hope about the future, let alone the day.” I’d applied for a job in Omaha, and I really wanted it. So, I changed my dating profile for the first time in my single life history to looking for a “short-term relationship.” As my journal said, “I just needed someone to hold me over.” Ha! I was hesitant to swipe right on Jesse. I almost swiped left. He had pictures of his love for hunting, and I wasn’t looking for your typical Wyoming masculine man. I wanted a kind, funny, smart, sexy, and compassionate man. However, his profile intrigued me. He’d written a beautiful bio about his love for cooking and his adventurous playful side excited me. So, I bit the bullet and swiped right on someone who I typically would have swiped left on. Also, against my normal dating rituals, I didn’t require him to call me first nor FaceTime me. I also didn’t have any expectations for coffee or a future. I wanted to meet him and have a good morning. Get me out of my morning slump. We decided to meet at 9:30 in which, I believe; I was pretty much on time for. I waited in the car and texted him to see if he was there yet because I don’t go in until a date is there. I don’t like getting stood up nor do I enjoy standing alone waiting for someone. He said he had arrived and was waiting inside, so I went inside.

I remember the first time I saw him in person. As I walked into Metro, like I said I didn’t have any expectations, but as soon as I saw him I couldn’t help but smile. His face and smile were inviting and warm. He was in shape. He smelled good and he confidently approached me and we hugged. It was just the right amount of time. I was genuinely pleasantly surprised. He looked better than his photos online and I was very attracted to him. We walked towards the counter to order our drinks and he paid for our drinks. We picked them up and found a green couch on a stage in the back corner to find our seat. I remember feeling slightly awkward at first. Should I put my legs facing towards him, why are his facing away from me? His other body language is telling me he’s into me. He’s sitting close to me. Our legs briefly touching at times. We’re having nice chat and a little banter. I remember him making me laugh and I remember him also asking me questions and listening well. I remember Jesse being a nice mix of serious and fun and our chemistry beginning to form. He asked me if I wanted to join choir with him. I said I’d think about it. He said he wasn’t a recruiter, so it was okay if I didn’t. I laughed. We locked eyes a couple times and the gaze had some intensity behind it. I remember my heart perking up in the moments our legs met and our eyes met.

My mind was racing with all sorts of concern. I wanted to move. I wanted to get out of here. I wasn’t happy. This would probably turn out like the rest. So not to worry. I could leave if I wanted to. However, I had a tinge of hope that there might be one who’d give me a reason to stay. We talked about my dating profile and what short-term meant. I expressed my desire to move and not wanting to lead anyone on. He expressed his hesitation when he read that but appreciated the parts of my profile that said I was a cheerleader and golden retriever :)

It was a good thing that he had a lunch planned with his friend Nick at noon because if he hadn’t we probably could have stayed there talking all day. We really got along well. I enjoyed talking to him. He made me feel calm and seen. I liked how he made me feel and I liked that I felt like I could be myself. We headed outside. Jesse walked me to my car which made me feel special. I showed him my logo for my non profit because he also showed me some of his logos when we were inside. I liked his humorous one. He gave me a hug. I wasn’t sure if he’d try to kiss me or not. He didn’t, but he did say that he would text me later.

I was hopeful he would, but also I had no expectations because you never know. When I left though I continued to have terrible anxiety. My body was not cooperating. It started getting later and later and I still hadn’t heard from Jesse. Guessing that he’d not been that into me or might not follow through with his text, I began to panic. Why? I’m guessing it was all those words I’d been telling myself of my unworthiness to be accepted and loved. That I might not be enough for someone to want me. I know it’s not true but sometimes when your experiences start to overwhelm you you revert back to old thinking patterns, and that’s where I was at. I called a friend and decided to stop worrying about the text, put my phone down, and took care of my panic by taking a cold shower to reset my nervous system and drink some tea. I read and relaxed to get myself calm and then checked my phone again. Shortly after I’d put my phone down. He’d texted me about the nice time we had and looked forward to seeing me again soon. I felt so stupid for loosing it, but also gave myself grace because I’d had a lot of past experiences that had turned out differently. I was in a bad place and rejection was something that was very difficult to handle in that moment, but what I didn’t know yet was the calm that he was about to bring me after the storm. I wasn’t sure yet how I felt about him, but I was pleasantly surprised by our first date. My brain thought wouldn’t that be ironic, “The minute I decided to leave, I would find the man of my dreams. Wait a minute. Don’t get ahead of yourself. It’s good for now!”